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Showing posts from June, 2016

On The Eve Of My Birthday

Tonight marks my last night as a 24 year old. This past year has been eventful to say the least. Ive circumvented the globe and become a fully fledged Son of Neptune. Ive gotten back to my beloved California and bathed in its radiant sunlight for over half a year. My heart has been broken, healed, hardened and tempered in the forge of experience and life. Ive learned while struggling against personal adversity that I am stronger than Ive ever believed. God is always with me, as are my parents and the rest of my family. But I can meet my own gaze in the mirror with pride and conviction. Ive stood on my own two feet, completely abandoned by any sense of social decency or safety, and lived. Ive weathered the storm and inhaled the harsh winds of reality, recycling them as fuel for my weathered lungs. What can stop me? Doubt, remorse, fear or cowardice? I hold the power within my own mind to defeat them all. Im the Father of my demons, and I alone can defeat them. How about existential iss…

Im No Hero

Lately Ive been feeling lazy. Why? Im not entirely sure. A sense of malaise has crept over me, infiltrating my optimism and disrupting my solitude. Getting my daily 1000 words down has been hard. I liken them to my daily handstand pushups, a type of mental calisthenics. My communication skills have never been better or so fluid. I make women laugh with sporadic conversational improvisation and find the solutions to problems at work manifesting before me as if by magic. I accredit this to the myriad of books Ive been reading. Several biographies have been slain in the past 2 weeks, the shortest reporting in at a little over 250 pages. Entries on the history of mathematics have satiated my appetite for the esoteric and inspiring. Ive gotten back into poker fairly seriously, both as a way to make extra money and to ward off solemnity and loneliness. My numerous hobbies have been reclaiming more and more facets of my attention with a vengance, and Id be lying if I said I didnt put up litt…

On Introspection

Introspection, and the practice of it, is truly a gift from the divine. God Himself has blessed human beings with reason and ascended sentience, the one trait that distinguishes us from animals. In spite of our chaotic, often contradictory natures, we can transcend our basest desires through thoughtful application of this most integral asset. Recently I was fully reminded of the importance of utilizing reason studiously while plagued with a decision to make regarding an ex-girlfriend. For the sake of privacy and brevity Ill redact the most personal details, but the gist of the whole fiasco regarded why I still missed her, and ultimately dealt with contacting her to attempt and rekindle the embers of our tryst's flame. Hindsight is always beneficial, and the whole ordeal showed me that said flame was more like a lit match than a raging bonfire, but I digress. In this exposition Ill outline and flesh out some of the most illuminating lessons I was reminded of while suffering through…
I was wrong and not afraid to admit it/
My precision/
In doing this was acquittal/
From your derision/
Im sickened/
By your response and lack of admittance/
To the sins that/
You did to me and committed/
I could list them/
But Im glaring through stained glass/
Im ashamed that/
I miss you but the straight facts/
Are the main trap/
To this infatuation and I cant escape that/
Ill replace flash/
With something more filling/
Then what youre shilling/
As the doors hinging/
On by its last nail/
Ill ignore blistering/
And acknowledge where our past failed/
I have stared/
Into the sun for too long/
And I choose dawn/
Breaking/
Instead of suffocating/
While pondering who's wrong/
Ive moved on/
But your face is so haunting/
It alarms me/
How I let it disarm me/
Starves me/
And charms me/
Into thinking that youre what my heart needs/
But Im starting/
To chart these/
Waters down and break free/
Youve chained me/
For too long while I held the gates key/
And I see you blankly/
No facade to ensla…

Die Alone

Maybe Ill die alone/
I might have known/
Cause I like to roam/
With my microphone/
Tied to no/
Entitled ho/
Ill fight to grow/
Until my time is shown/
To be sliding close/
To a righteous dose/
Of slimy gross/
Lightly clothed/
Mindless dopes/
And Im dying slow/
Because my mind was closed/
The dial tone/
Is ringing and no one answers/
Slowly grasping/
The fact that Im the total package/
And Ive shown my hand cause/
The roaming masses/
Are known to clash for/
No reason other than a moments hazard/
Im the chosen bastard/
That choked on ashes/
From the frozen past that/
Wont let go of my hands and/
Im floating happy/
Groping sadly/
In the darkness as the light is eroding past me/
A clone of the past me/
If youd had been told to ask me/
Why Im so bold and brashly/
Breaking through the old and damning/
Souls and phantoms/
That hold the famine/
And theyre coldly handling/
The control of dashing/
Hopeless happenings/
While folding rashly/
To preserve to coals their fanning/
My home is travelli…

Tyler Durden

It all started when I was 16. An idea planted its seed in the fertile soil of a young man's emerging ambitions, one that would blossom and thrive in the alien, hostile environments he would be subjected to. After returning from a month in Texas, I watched the movie Fight Club, starring Edward Norton and Brad Pitt. In the film, the nameleas Narrator, fed up with his void, shallow life of consumerism and corporate slavery, meets the enigmatic Tyler Durden, an anarchistic loner, survivalist, minimalist, and charismatic leader. As I was vaguely aware of graduation looming over me at the time like an executioner's guillotine, I was faced with the startling realization that I had no idea what to do with my life. Directionless and aimless as I was, one thing I knew for sure was that I would rather die then becoming subject to the servitude and creativity killing delirium of the Rat Race. Thus, I became enthralled with the character of Tyler Durden. I wanted to be fit and strong, arti…

Proving Myself

Upon my return home for a quick, and all too brief, reprieve from the suffocating challenges of my adult life, I was graciously informed by my Father that, upon reaching a certain age and financial milestone, he will gift me our family estate. Although in the past my confidence has wavered or altogether vacated me when faced with the undertakings of manhood, this news invigorated my passion and zest for life. After travelling the world and becoming indoctrinated into the Order of Magellan, I've realized how insignificant we all are. I, along with my brothers and sisters, have circumvented the globe, yet each port and experience within them has awakened me to the fact that I know nothing. While I plan to travel and search our world of my own accord and at my own methodical, contemplative pace, I need a sense of home. While I've come to accept that Ill always be stricken with a sense of wanderlust, a fervent hunger that will forever be unsatiated, I need a place to hang my hat, …

My Parents and Love

The sudden, sharp movement of the aircraft as it lurched to life with ferocious speed jolted me awake. Less than 10 minutes on board and I had already succumbed to exhaustion and fatigue. These two, when compounded by the near crippling heartache birthed from leaving home again, coalesced into a potently painful mixture. As we took to the air and I looked out at my beloved Northern California countryside, my soul was weary and my burden was heavy. The farmland and lush fields shrunk smaller and more distant, resembling a child's playrug, sprawled out for the plane's occupants to enjoy. If only I could partake.

We all have plans, me especially. With each passing day they're solidified more and more, gradually becoming actualized in my mind, ready to be bequeathed to the world. Ill get out and walk, or rather sprint, to the bucolic tranquility of my childhood home, a grown man finished and polished, ready for his hibernation. Ill have beer with my Father over homemade steak …