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Crystal Lake

Crystal Lake






I'm begging you to let me immolate/
This is straight/
From the heart because this inner pain/
Won't dissipate/
I'm lifting weights/
With every bitter day/
Because this hidden angst/
Fuck, it simply weighs/
Too much for me to mitigate/
What I'm feeling, to be alone, a risk to take/
I'm in a pickle late-/
Ly, as I sit and wait/
On a phone call from a certain little name/
That will never hit the stained/
Glass, so I rip and rage/
Against myself, against the strain/
Of this mistake/
And with that one, the ripples graze/
Across the surface of the crystal lake/
Of my mind, the crypt I lay/
In is of my own building, I fell in, tripped and splayed/
Out on the concrete/
All these/
Haunting/
Images come back to taunt me/
I'm wanting/
The past to arm me/
With calm things/
Palm me/
In your hand baby and stop me/
From washing/
Away these thoughts each/
Night with whiskey and oxy/
I'm falling/
Darkly/
Into the halls these/
Demons are walking/
Through, stalk…

Done

Done








8 years ago today I spent the night at the Doubletree Hotel in Sacramento, CA, en route to RTC Great Lakes. I left behind a lucrative career at Wal-Mart unloading trucks, my pursuit of a degree in literally nothing at Solano Community College, and a girlfriend that would later hate me for not dressing like one of the little bitches so common in K-Pop videos (srs). Throughout my tenure in the Navy I fought, did Handstand Pushups, and had my personal space violated repeatedly by deranged, insane men and women that would become the best friends I'd ever known. In the Persian Gulf, I went to throw up in a toilet that was already backed up and filled to the brim with shit, causing me to spew forth twice the expected amount of vomit. I became known as Bitch Hands, a name I still answer to from San Diego, Califronia to Manama, Bahrain. I passed out drunk in public parks, on the shores of forgotten beaches, and the manicured lawns of the estranged friends of acquaintances I barely k…

Drunken Diary

Drunken Diary






I remember reading about Dave Draper, the great bodybuilder from the fabled Muscle Beach era.

After retiring from active competition in his mid-twenties, he settled in California, far from his native New Jersey.

Considering that it's on the East Coast, I fully support his decision, since I've never known anyone who wasn't from there to relocate to the area permanently.

He took to indulging his second passion. woodworking, with the same fervor he once employed to build his magnificent physique.

It led to a profitable career that afforded him a prosperous life.

He also, ignominiously enough, became an alcoholic.

Getting through his days with a bottle of wine ever present by his side, he'd work at his adopted hobby turned vocation.

Weed was also a constant companion.

Still, he never gave up his training, which is what I admire about him chiefly, rivaled only by his command of English and the written word.

He'd report to his garage daily, completing a pr…

Devilish Angel

Devilish Angel





Every night I dream/
Of buying drinks/
In Waikiki/
You sitting right with me/
On a barstool, sliding free-/
Ly into Long Island teas/
And extra iced tequi-/
La, rocks, lightly gleam-/
Ing, our plight, it seems/
So far off, because the bridal winks/
And unrivaled slings/
Of your arm in mine make me the unrivaled King/
Of our entire shrink-/
Ing world, time, it seems/
Would pry and wheeze/
To try and slink/
Through our 2 person pride and sting/
But it was denied, its weak-/
Ness thrown away, to ride and be/
Banished on the tides and sleek/
Hawaiian breeze/
The Piper sings/
And we know that either leads/
To the title or deed/
To a house, private springs/
Of rejuvenating isles, each/
Morning, I'll write the scene/
With my own vibrant ink/
Pour my heart out to unite our links/
Those previously lonely walks/
I was the ghost that haunt-/
Ed the strip, closing off/
Any opportunity with encroaching walls/
Around my soul and heart/
I'd grown to call/
My hole a spot/
It w…

He Is Risen

He Is Risen





I came to You as a cocky teenager/
With appalling deep sancti-/
Fied wrong beliefs making/
Me not think safer/
I was lost, beat, angry/
At all these beasts anchor-/
Ing me safely/
In defeat, hatred/
And unclean angles/
Caught, He leaned, raised me/
From harsh deceit claiming/
To be steady as rocks, these feet aching/
In the desert parched, I received grace He/
Indeed saved me/
I ceased breaking/
The laws He deemed greater/
Then my heart's bleating nature/
Christ's arms weakly shaking/
As he hung strong, breathing wavering/
On the cross, preaching bravely/
Before God, pleading blatant/
"Father they know not", these themes changed me/
From a rotting link chaining/
Myself to thoughts that keep me slaving/
For wrong reasons, praise Je-/
Sus for the promise He made me/
And the evil I'm delivered from/
This is one/
Of those times I'm crippled from/
The fissures rupt-/
Uring in my fickle stom-/
Ach, You picked me up/
Made me your unfinished son/
No long…

Reservoir

Reservoir





I wake up, and then reach/
Across my bedsheets/
My arm feels heavy/
As it crashes empty/
My head thinks/
Something's wrong, I'm upset, blink-/
Ing back distressing/
Feelings pulling me to the end, sleep/
Then leaves/
And I'm wrestling/
With another morning without the best thing/
In my life, best friend, re-/
Newal of soul, with trembling/
Lonely lips/
I blow a kiss/
To the ghost that lives/
In my heart, set free/
From all but our happy ending/
Floating swift/
On a moaning wind/
Made of tears and clothed in missed/
Days in paradise, cozy, vict-/
Orian and pouring mixed/
Drinks as boats and ships/
Rode the drift-/
Ing currents, a potent sim-/
Ilarity to us/
It was rare of me to fuss/
Over one girl, I went from carrying the brunt/
Of the world on my shoulders, a pair of evil stumps/
To cherishing the love/
You gave me, the clarity and trust/
Was barely even a/
Concept, a fairy tale with dust/
That choked the air I breathed and sucked/
In, you were my therapist and…

Fortune

Fortune





Today the past reasserted/
Itself, sneaky vermin/
It seems the world is/
Falling when I think I'm perfect/
Hit my knees and purchase/
Another sleeve of burden/
The scenes I burn them/
Everytime they come and beat my worth in/
I didnt need or deserve this/
But you bequeathed this curse, this/
Demon lurking/
In the dark, the same as the seasons twirl and/
Pass through/
I ask you/
Was it even worth it/
Because you've been defeated, interred and/
I still cant seem to purge this/
Bleakness, curb it/
It stinks and moves with/
Darkness, inky fluid/
Creepy nuisance/
This isn't evening news, it's/
Common, believe me, you just/
Dont know my deepest, truest/
Thoughts when I'm eager, stupid/
To hurt a weak and useless/
Sleeping student/
Of how to fail at life, to live for the weekend's soothing/
Mix of tequila, booze and/
Weed and boosting/
Your confidence/
By talking shit/
To your woman everytime she's walking in/
Then leaves the room with/
Another beaming br…

Yours Truly

Yours Truly






I woke up and my stomach hurt/
I took medicine but the dirge/
Never left and nothing worked/
So I bluntly cursed/
And asked loudly why I was clubbed and burned/
Because the pain was the fucking worst/
My joints creaked; they were dusty, turned/
Inside out by the pummeling yours/
Truly hit them with with a disgusting purp-/
Ose daily/
Maybe/
I should stop trudging merc-/
Ilessly and rest, but my knuckles yearn/
For cracking, and that trumps the urge/
To relax and stop hustling first/
Trust me, swerve/
And miss me with that weakness, I'm flunking your/
Lessons, because they're musty, worth/
Nothing, mirth/
And drive have me succumbing, cursed/
To sweat and bleed/
Destiny/
Won't let me be/
But it's sure/
Struck a nerve/
Perpetually/
Because I'm rubbing cert-/
Ain elbows/
And they'll know/
My name before those ugly curt-/
Ains fall on me/
I'm promising/
My love and vert-/
Ical ascension in this life wont be lucky, terse/
Or grasping for money earne…

Mercy

Mercy





I'm antisocial/
Damn, I'm so grown/
Because I have my loco/
Moments yet I stand like boastful/
Tramps and hobos/
Stamped with loathsome/
Action, hopeful/
I've cracked it open/
The path I've chose to/
Walk, rabid, lonesome/
Down the rabbit hole of/
This damning joke of/
A world, slam it closed with/
My hands in motion/
To slash and torment/
These animals from/
Anecdotal/
Sources, perhaps I'm owed this/
Acid thrown in/
My face/
It explains/
My lack of focus/
Because my vision's shattered, broken/
Fragile, eroded/
I take laps and soldier/
Around this track and notice/
I'm the master closing/
In on this famine groping/
At our sanity/
Scarred at the seams/
Stars out at least/
As my heart's agony/
Comes in dark, rapid screams/
As its carved out of me/
The hole its parts had to leave/
Is charred, damaging/
I'm marked, asking please/
God, have some free/
Mercy on me, and Im recharged, lashing free/
Gnarled, gnashing teeth/
I start happening/
On art, …

Man In The Mirror

Man In The Mirror







I feel it lurking/
Benearh my ship's keel, a serpent/
My entire life I'll deal with burdens/
I never wanted, never will deserve it/
But the rumor mill's enduring/
Did I will this vermin/
To kill a certain/
Part of my kneeling fervent/
Inner child, you hate me because the wheels are turning/
To heal my hurts and/
Still be person-/
Able was through naught but sheer determin-/
Action, I'm the fearless worthy/
Warrior that cured his version/
Of your pain, you cant look the man in the mirror in certain/
Parts of his face, his ears are bursting/
From the internal chaos, the sheer dispersing/
Of pain from what I revealed so tersely/
We're not peers, so curb the/
Cheers and verses/
You wont come near my churches/
Because you're austere, a worm that/
Feeds his dreary purpose/
I've been free, you're near the worst winds/
Blowing away your beers and burning/
Narcotics with eerie pursed lips/
Because your life's a prison sentence and you'…

Villains

Villains




Sitting, currently/
Wishing hurriedly/
Fixes heard the screams/
Of bored pissy persons we/
Clicked and burdened with/
No more trips and perfectly/
Placed distractions gripping pertinent/
Visions burning green/
With envy/
Assembly/
Lines clipping birdie's wings/
For spending/
Time with a family that you're missing, hurting these/
People, they bitch, unfurling strings/
Dismiss the hurdles we/
Face with a frisky girl and weed/
Tricks, unworthy schemes/
Of a devilish trade/
Penciling faith/
In sometime between treacherous games/
And venomous spray/
At a blessing you prayed/
For maybe seven or eight/
Times every day/
I cant settle and wait/
For the endless parade/
To begin, a tender brigade/
Of reckless and dang-/
Erous feckless deranged/
Cowards with a semblance of strange/
Wrestle the fade-/
D guns from them and display/
The metal you take/
And lift, show your mental disdain/
Because you're stronger than the bent out of shape/
Lives you thirst for, quench it and take…

Random

Random




This is completely random/
Because I need to fathom/
My needs that grab from/
Obscene distractions/
Could you even stand to/
See the havoc/
That beams and flashes/
In the meanest cracks in/
My vision, relief it crashes/
Over me as the cleanest flashes/
Of evil fascist/
Regimes and panicked/
People laugh at/
Me and rack the/
Gun deeper back and/
Release the magic/
Bullets that seem to have me/
Bleeding sadly/
Unleashed and rabid/
I'm seeking savage/
Leanings mouthing/
A demon's answers/
So please my magic/
Eager half just/
Start reaching out and/
Keep me grounded/
I'm clinging, static/
Unclean and maggots/
Writhing, indecent, scalped and/
Seething mad with/
Jesus handing/
Me the package/
To realize my ceaseless passion/
But this isn't profound/
With my nose down/
Sniffing all the low ground/
I chose how/
This would go round/
Merry and slowed, doubt/
Would throw out/
My own clout/
Those clouds/
Passing by overt now/
Are overcrow-/
Ding my throat, mouth/
And whole…

The Road And The Sea

The Road And The Sea





I've spent the last several days exploring the catacombs of my previous life.

Since returning home, I've felt oddly out of place and out of touch.

Storefronts stand derelict and melancholy, the zest I was familiar with absent and dead.

I'd hoped portions of my old life would be comatose rather than deceased, but it seems as if they're either expired or reincarnated; there is no middle ground.

As I pen this, I'm sitting at the pond behind my public library.

I'm enlightened, yet embarrassed, to admit that, upon my entrance, my eyes teared up and I had to catch my breath.

This hasnt happened anywhere else here; not in the house I grew up in, Barnes and Noble, 24 Hour Fitness, or even my beloved Marina.

My parents redecorated and refurbished the house, and an enormous, spacious memory foam mattress now occupies my bedroom.

The aforementioned shops and haunts have either been vacated or transformed.

Stepping into Barnes and Noble here, the one …

Current Progress

"I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I’ll kill you all."

-General James "Mad Dog" Mattis







Current Training:

20 EMOM 6X20 Handstand Pushups

Boxing Training: 3x3 minutes Heavybag
                                3x2 minutes Speedbag

More fucking Handstand Pushups







Little in the way of dieting.

I'd attempted the Keto Diet and lasted 3 days before I wanted to slit my throat with a rusty butter knife.

Some bodybuilders crafted incredible physiques on a diet of Steak, Eggs and Cottage Cheese, while others ate nominal amounts of carbohydrates and kept their protein high.

Oatmeal, egg whites, brown rice, and grilled chicken were the staples here.

This shit is basic.

But not easy.

Prioritize protein, choose compound movements over single joint ones, and train 4-5 times a week.

I'll see you there.

XCII


Goodnight, My Favorite

Goodnight, My Favorite


Intricately/
Inching swiftly/
Towards the inner written/
Scriptures hidden/
Underneath the pictures quickening/
My pulse whenever I lift or shift these/
Little mysteries/
Like, did you miss me/
Always, or only when I fit in with these/
Ideals you had, eclipsed, you kicked me/
Out when I slipped these/
Dirty insolent sheets/
From the casket/
Of our pasts its/
Getting crispy/
In Hell, isnt it seem-/
Ing a little different/
When you're sitting listening/
To your heartbeat, it's a pistol slickly/
Changing chambers/
To make your anger/
Rage and claim you/
Clench your fists and hit me/
But you didnt pinch me/
Yet you didnt grip me/
Tighter, physics simply/
Dont apply when emotion clicks the trigger/
Were not your shills or little/
Pawns to bid, deliver/
Were grown adults/
With souls that caught/
The stench of potent dra-/
Ma that seems to stick to sickly/
People like you, it saddens me/
That your majesty/
Was soured, re-/
Member when you tried to damage me/
A…

Nightmare

Nightmare



The evening's falling/
These things caught me/
From defeating drawling/
Whispers in my head, evil thoughts we/
All have, believe me, sorry/
Treason haunts me/
The reaper calls me/
Dreams are balmy/
Cause when I awake my sheets are on me/
Stuck with sweat like adhesives, promptly/
Clinging calmly/
Until I swing the party/
Towards evil carnies/
And beaches crawling/
With leeches, larger/
Weevils, common/
Beetles, varmints/
And stinking larvae/
And I'm shrinking smaller/
They're all seeming taller/
I think I'm on the/
Same level as them, underneath the awning/
Of grass, its green and starting/
To overreach, its blocking/
The sun, the leaves and mosses/
Keep me startled/
Heaping fauna/
Over me in equal toppings/
Please, I'm washing/
Away, unclean like laundry/
I'm beat and rocking/
On the edge of sanity and pondering/
The leap, I'm stalking/
It, before I jump, deceased, forgotten/
I'm beastial, heartless/
Then I blink and all of/
A sudden I'm…

Wistful

Wistful



When the dust has settled/
And my trust in self or/
Nothing better/
Has been disgruntled, left for/
Busted, dead or/
Plunged, dismembered/
A husk, a mention/
Of what the semblance/
Of this never/
Fucking ending/
Thing was when pressure/
Wasnt fester-/
Ing above it, weather/
Thundering every/
Time the ruffled feathers/
Of our beloved elders/
Was called to cull the brevi-/
Ty we're done with, better/
Things are coming for this humbled veteran/
But then I see her wondrous splendor/
The pulse of blessing/
With her, in all those afternoons/
With standing room/
On avenues/
In Waikiki, captured smooth/
In photos, relax and view/
The magic mov-/
Ing, through these/
Trampling zooms/
To catchy tunes/
Like Frances, Tu-/
Pac, Brantley, boom-/
Ing bass for my attractive muse/
And attitudes/
Enflamed like acne grew/
On a teenage face, two rascals lewd-/
Ly, laughing, cruising/
Down the blue/
Water with no aptitude/
Or  care for when they crash, deluge-/
S are a fruitless/
Nuisance/
Whe…

For Your Entertainment

For Your Entertainment



I wasnt born yesterday/
But to demonstrate/
A better way/
To the world I left to face/
My demons, I'd levitate/
Above them to spread the faith/
I penetrate-/
D the devastation/
Of my past and went away with/
A breath of bated/
Air sent to fade with/
The setting rays in/
The Sun's weather changing/
Pressing play then/
Deftly taming/
My deafened frankness/
With letters, pages/
And celestial greatness/
This wasnt for your entertainment/
But rather the end of slavery/
From my flexing brain that/
Had me upset and anxious/
You bet I played with/
The odds stacked against me, I relish hatred/
From the others obsessed with glazing/
Over the past instead of accepting anguish/
I sat with patience/
But instead of taking/
The chances I said I gave them/
They pressed and strangled/
My already distressed restraint and/
I let my ancient/
Secrets set ablaze the/
World they'd been acquainted/
With, and I dont regret my statements/
Yet I won't rest and bathe in/
S…