Justin Razor and the World

Maybe theres a reason for all of this pain and suffering, the torrential angst that plagues me unebbingly on a day to day basis. Racuous waves crash against the barricades Ive set up around my heart, seeking to tear them down dangerously and permanently, beckoning me sweetly to let the chaotic waters wash over me. Theyll perform a cleansing of the spirit, drawing me back out to the seas of passionate disorder, away from my island of safety and restraint. I think that by this point Im qualified to speak authoritatively about life on a ship adrift in the oceans of the world, and while I love the stability and predictability of life on solid ground, the truth is that Ive never felt as alive since Ive been out there  hundreds of miles away from the shoreline. Ive traveled to exotic lands 99% of people I know will never lay eyes on or witness. This world, my home, California, has changed because Ive changed. In joining the Navy, I sought to reinvent myself into the man I saw myself beco...

Im always most lucid before exhaustion takes over completely and snatches away my presence of mind. Whenever Ive had a life altering decision to make with seemingly unfathomable ramifications if I chose wrong, the answer presents itself clearly and unquestionably a few seconds before I fall under the embrace of sleep. Im not sure why this is, but some questions in life will never be answered, no matter how many books you read on any number of diverse, eclectic subjects. You can pray until God reveals himself and tells you to shut the fuck up, you can stay awake and prolong your chronic fatigue until the desire to slumber beats your head in and forces you to succumb to your bed, and you can ponder the potential answer until your last few brain cells have died from over work, and still be no closer to the answer you seek. This is good I suppose, because what is life if not a constant, Sisyphean search for meaning, contentment, and personal fullfilment? If we knew all of the answers upfro...

Ive discovered, through enjoyable experience and constant self-analysis, that Im either on or Im off. There is no in-between, and I have no standby mode or inclination to be lukewarm. Im either social, eloquent, bold and, as some would say, arrogant, or Im sullen, withdrawn, angry and mildly depressed. Not a bad thing, its not like Im hurting anybody, myself included, when Im forced to trudge through the gloomy swamps of my morose moods. But it's not where I want to be. In the past, I viewed being down as a mark of maturity, a state that had to be earned because you were doing so well that you had no choice but to rest, or risk lapsing into catatonia and exhaustion. It was foolish, naive, immature thinking. Im not 16 anymore, no one has multicolored, oversized fringes falling stylishly and androgynously over either eye, or both if they were especially impaired, and bathing and marinating in your emotions is no longer in vogue. Privately its fine, but even then the focus should be o...

I nearly passed out on the drive to work today. My body, which I believed to have adjusted fine to repetitive sleep deprivation, is rapidly rebelling against me. I stalk the hallways of my ship in a somnambulant haze, coherency gradually fading. I field requests to hangout with friends based on the level of inebriation we're likely to attain. The last few girls Ive met have been subpar at best, providing the requisite physical stimulation without satsifying my need for substantial, intellectually gratifying conversation one bit. Im at the point where Id forego a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel for a night by myself in a hot bath with a pitcher of my Mother's homebrewed sun tea, and would eschew empty sex for just one date reminiscent of the excursions of my adolescence, the girl and I exploring each other's minds, hearts and souls, our faces flickering to life with youthful exuberance as we unearthed treasure after treasure the other person kept buried under the sand o...

I need to rebuild. All of my effort, my pining, my longing? All impotent to change a thing. In spite of being the "creme de la creme", her words, not mine, Im the Anti-Christ, a demon with a silver tongue, able to seduce his way past any barricade and slither right into her comfort zone. My good works are wasted, fallen below her myopic field of vision. My crying and pleading, as undignified as it sounds, has fallen on ears deafened by narcissism and an incongruent view of reality. My passion, my persistence, my joy, and my work are meaningless in the face of the infantile impetuousness of her ignorance. But pity is for the weak, and Ive wasted too much time, too many exhaustible resources on this black hole. Who knew so much deep, powerful emotion could be spilled on something so shallow? Unknowingly, I took my rationality, my sanity and the culmination of all of my experiences, stuffed them inside my heart, and proceeded to beat it into a brick wall. I felt I was doing th...

Right now I feel anxious. My hands are shaking, my heart is racing, and adrenaline is coursing through my veins. My mind is attempting in vain to find something, anything to say, while simultaneously being logical, reminding me that its not the content of the conversation but the framing and enacting of it that matters most. Beads of sweat are starting to form from a heat only I can feel, radiating from the stares and judgment of those around me. Problem is, none of that exists outside of my head. People are happily carrying about their days blissfully unaware of the battle raging in my head. The cause of it is unknown to me, those times where my confidence vacates the premises and abandons me, leaving me to fend for myself against disillusionment and shyness. The cause of the behavior cant be traced, but the cause of my present situation? Im sitting next to a pretty girl at the bar. Some that have read my blog (believe it or not, I have fans), have operated under the impression that...

Im letting you go permanently tonight. The sideways glances, charged with potentiality, the flick of one eyebrow skyward, or even the sway that makes itself more prominent when Im around. These are all meaningless now baby. Youre a viper, lulling me intona false sense of security, only to strike with surprising lethality at a moment's notice. Then again, maybe it was my fault for not realizing it in the first place. Then again, who could blame me when your signals were so mixed they resembled a pile of leaves burst apart by a powerful gust of wind. Impossible to read preemptively, and pointless to try and rearrange after chaos has ensued. I followed you around the world in a stupor. Fresh from the pain of a catastrophic breakup, you were the first girl I seen potential in. Witty, intelligent and precocious, you reignited the flames of hope in me, embers I thought to had died long ago. I had doused them with the rains of despair, but you gave them the breath of life with a refresh...