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Showing posts from 2016

Last Word




Foriegn Shores


Shining Brass

I watched as your eyes glistened/ I'm sickened/ By the response that I've flickered/ Across your face, denied this and/ I'm so tired of wishing/ That I could grant your desires/ The nights listening/ And my hands are still tied up/ I have to remind us/ That the past is a violent/ Clash with the blinders/ We've put up just to dance in the light of/ Two hearts, their passionate fire/ Burning chaotically/ Hurting, break all of me/ Enrapture me kindly/ Because we're hazardous, trying/ To avert a disaster aligning/ Baby, I'm just brass that is shining/ Like gold next to your immaculate smile/ Damned if I'm tied to/ The shore, an island grabbed me and denied the/ Soul forming, stabbed and divided/ So we laugh at the pile/ Of emotions we've become, and bask in the time that/ We have left/ Because my last breath/ Will be trapped in your eyelids/ As they close and form a barricade/ When we separate/ And devastate/ Each other the terror awaits/ But I would swear y

The Truth

Humiliate me/ You feel you hate me/ Your egos bruised and aching/ Because I prove youre faking/ Lose the changing/ Useless faces/ Youre used to placing/ Over your stupid wasted/ Souls, two-bit fakers/ Im cruising, waiting/ To encounter you in my arena/ Despite the grievance/ You try to impede the/ Path with, Id like to see the/ Type of fever/ You get when were about to fight and bleed cause/ You bite off eager/ Yet cant try to eat it/ When you collide with me just/ Remember all the hype you believed in/ Cause my allegiance/ Is to myself only/ Ive felt lonely/ In the past and that showed me/ That all the bad thrown me/ Is not my last hope be-/ Cause Im back, owning/ That torment, so clasp both knees/ Because I see that shaking, you sad phony/ If you had known me/ Youd understand closely/ Why I get mad solely/ For a small reason, I grasp posing/ Ready to attack focused/ Im trapped soulless/ About broken/ But I no longer lack doses/ Of humanity, that d


My past has been dredged up/ Ive been set up/ But Im fed up/ I guess the/ Executioners coming to disconnect my head from/ My neck cause/ Ive forgotten what my pen does/ To the best of/ People, Ive lead the/ Horse to water but its refusing to quench a/ Thirst that wont let up/ Ive been sent from/ The kingdom to the bottom of hell just/ To crawl my way back, eternally climbing/ You curse me and whine, please/ Stop, this isnt purgery fighting/ To prove that it doesnt carry the smell of/ Me burning and lying/ Dont be rash and just end trust/ Youre obsessed cause/ My admissions are a nest of/ Breadcrumbs/ You think/ Will lead/ To a fortress of pent up/ False beliefs/ That Ive decieved/ You with, babygirl pick your head up/ Ive confessed from/ Every corner of my heart and Im bent from/ Dents from/ This inquisition/ Just listen/ This is us, amidst love/ No more second guessing/ I bet youre wretching/ At the sentiment in/ These lyrics, but recollect it/ Th

Deep Slices Through My Heart

You set me free/ I expected things/ To be better, we/ Worked through the upsetting peaks/ Incredibly/ Our energies/ Coalesced into a centered theme/ Our destinies/ Might not be spent with ease/ But if youre meant for me/ Then our memories/ Wont fade/ So show faith/ And hope days/ Come, where were perpetually/ Clad in gloss/ In our Babylon/ As vagabonds/ As we praddle on/ As the madness wrought/ Makes us glad we fought/ Cause I have the thought/ That if youre next to me/ Then I can rest in peace/ Cause youre the best, indeed/ And its unsettling/ And it levels me/ The thought of complete silence/ My diseased mind is/ A leaf flying/ Through an uncertain haze, yet a brief shining/ Comes through, the grief binds me/ I reach blindly/ Out, and she finds me/ Deep slices/ Through my heart, relief kindly/ Meets my needs/ I look up, and breathe lively/ She greets shyly/ And I think why me/ To be freed finally/ Then a cool breeze reminds me/ Because Ive wa


Fatigue sets in/ I bleed excessive/ A dream destined/ To be a weapon/ I wield with esteem and dreadful/ Belief and obsession/ A weakling blessed with/ A beating, fenced in/ Heart, feeding relentless/ I need to end this/ But Im too terrified/ I swear that Ive/ Been here before, the air that I/ Breathe slowly flares and fries/ And before I parish I/ Terrorize/ Myself to verify/ Where the error lies/ A scary time/ In a life snuffed like a candle/ Erupt and take a handful/ Enough to leave and dabble/ Disgusted with the mantle/ That Im forced to assume/ Born and introduced/ Too early, scorned and a recluse/ The form that I will choose/ Is a thorn that will reduce/ The adorned and astute/ Ignore me as I snoop/ Around, tormented and mute/ And Ill go unnoticed/ Some focus/ That I have, trust no slick/ Bastard/ Galavanting/ Around and just hope that/ Youre done poking/ Where youre shunned, broken/ Disrupt choking/ On the emptiness/ And petty shit/ And c

Election Day

So far I’ve lost about 7 friends. If these were just the hollow, disjointed separations jumping from the back of my social media accounts, I would merely swat them away like flies. However, these people aren’t avatars, soulless entities I’ll never interact with outside the domicile of cyberspace. Rather, I’ve known them all since I was 12 years old. We’ve grown up together, kept in close contact, considered each other a tight knit group, and heralded our bond as a sign that true friends do stay in touch after graduation. This group included former lovers, athletes I’ve bled in the ring with, and some of the brightest young intellectuals I had the privilege of knowing. Now our grasp on each other, increasingly tenuous as the event loomed over us, is severed forever, and, according to them, I am the sole reason why. What, you may ask, is my abominable, unforgivable sin? I voted for Donald Trump, and they don’t like that. It offends them, the carriers of fatally delicate sensibilities

Painful Anniversary

Certain pain never really abdicates your heart, it merely recedes its insidious tendrils. You try valiantly to resist the urge to cry suddenly, chalking it up to weakness, fear, and lack of fortitude. But eventually, you stop pretending to be made of steel, and succumb to your feelings reluctantly. The sobbing is stifled first, barely audible gasps caught in an aching throat worn raw from all the anguished shouting. Your breathing grows laborious as you struggle to maintain a semblance of dignity, fighting to continue gulping air greedily before the current of gargantuan emotion inevitably overtakes you. Your entire being is racked with raw, unfiltered pain, resonating through the vast, cavernous expanse once occupied by your soul. Your heart yearns maddeningly for what youve lost, reaching out constantly, vainly in all directions, before settling down into reluctant acceptance. The piece of you that was stolen by cruel, harsh life will never return, nor will anything of substance reco

An Interlude To Forever

I wonder how your day was. I picture you according to the vivid visualizations you feed me exasperatedly. You scramble intently up the side of a helicopter, face grimacing, hands clenching down on life itself as you struggle to find some security during the climb. You laugh joyously with your new friends, the ones you feared you would never make, for what reason I can’t contemplate, your reasoning forever lost to my assumptions. Your hair whips back fiercely, stealing the light from the descending sun, the energy matching the fire in your seductive, ferocious eyes, and I long to bathe in that light another night. I remember the evenings we spent huddled around the warmth of a lit cigarette, dead to the world yet alive in our exile. Confined to base egregiously and unjustly for a crime you didn’t commit, you stood steadfast with inhuman grace and inspiring resoluteness, showing yourself to be stronger than I could ever be. You praised me for standing by you throughout the unjust ord

All The Difference

Sitting in my favorite sports bar enjoying some rare alone time (hi baby), Im struck by the overwhelming idiocy running rampant, all due to a baseball game. Yet, in the midst of all the excessive cheering, obnoxious shouting and overwhelmingly loud decibel levels, Im stricken by the sense of overarching community. Life can be hard, difficult and arduous, so joining together in a tribe with your fellow men and women can be cathartic, a kind of barricade between us and a world devoid of love. Or maybe Im just waxing a bit too poetically. Ive been reading "The Autobiography of Giacomo Cassanova", history's foremost seducer. The libertine lifestyle has always appealed to me, not just the sexual aspects, but the sensuous appeal of existence itself. All knowledge is worthwhile, all experience deep and fulfulling. As a writer, you are little more than a medium, taking in thoughts, ideas and conversations with essential alacrity, before carving them into the sheer rock wall of th

Potential In Purgatory

On days like these Im plagued annoyingly by an insatiable sense of boredom. I have nothing to do at work, my duties having been delegated away to the new, fresh young blood long ago. This new system is familiar yet alien to me, and despite my best attempts to familiarize myself with its unique traits, I constantly come up short. Normally, this wouldnt be an issue, rather it would be welcomed enthusiastically. I know no greater joy as a technician than to acquaint myself with a previously insurmountable problem and to, through a remarkable mix of ingenuity, grit and perserverance, dismantle it skillfully until it falls to pieces at my feet, thoroughly conquered and all of its available knowledge gleaned. Its this characteristic that earned me several favors over many months at sea and a letter of reccommendation from a retired Mustang Officer should I ever seek a commission. While in our current condition, however, such an attribute can be abused and miscast. Rather than integrating mys

Happy Halloween Bonnie

Im happy. In a quaint, simple, natural way, Im content. Oh, but its far more than that. Since the dissolution of a certain relationship, to say Id been guarded would be a disgusting understatement. I bounced listlessly between women, uncaring, callous and unrepentant. For any reading this, if I hurt you, I apologize, unless you deserved it. Id settled into my base nature flawlessly, situating myself securely on my own island, protected from the mainlands of real life by my own unrelenting, torrential oceans, powered by ego, lust, vanity and pride. As far as hedonism went, I was Patient Zero. I lived my life selfishly, giving little thought to the consequences of my actions, my compass drawn only toward the whims of my own desires and their satisfactions. But this is no way to live, especially for a man of my intellect. Only a fool can lose himself completely in carnality as it serves as a type of salve for his inability to cope with reality. Loneliness threatened to consume me, feeding

The Felt

I feel nauseatingly nervous everytime Im on the cusp of a session. In the past 2 weeks, according to my records, Ive made $1,047  all of this on the same $200 buy-in. I play because, in spite of everything Ive accomplished in the last few years, the personal milestones Ive reached, and the insatiable demons Ive conquered, I am still that petrified 18 year old, shaking like a Parkinsons patient, infected with a strange mix of excitement and anxiety. I remember living on free biscuits and bread from local pizza places, subsisting, along with my friends, on the charity of the compassionate and guilty. Driving to home game after home game, cash and tournament, only to post another confidence crippling loss. The long walk back to my 1998 Mazda Protege, moments after losing $100 for the first time, with tears obscuring my sight and fear gripping my heart, is what motivates me to study. I play to keep my beautiful girlfriend in the lifestyle she deserves, the long hours Im absent at night fro

Life After This

Life after the military is both exhilarating and intimidating. I long had aspirations towards a commission or becoming a SNCO, but, given recent events and policies being implemented, I doubt that I will continue past my current enlistment. I am in no way insulting or undermining the protectors of my beloved nation. All throughout my childhood and adolescence, thoughts and preoccupations with military life rattled around continually in my head. I initially believed them to be demons that I could never exorcise, the act itself one borne of futility. Before I was awakened by a sharp jolt of harsh reality, I believed that I was weak, feeble, and impotent to change my fate, let alone the next few years of my life as I saw fit. I believed that my very existence was held to the considerations and machinations of a variety of external forces, and that my own views, opinions and emotions were largely immaterial and irrelevant. Looking back as a man, I shudder at my own insouciance, but I a

I Love This City

I am in love with this city, its whirlwind of flavor and culture, a veritable cornicopia of heart. I explore it with relish, employing the zest and passion a man usually reserves for his lover. Oh, and how enticing this place is, capturing my gaze effortlessly, flaunting its excitement in front of me coquettishly, amused as I lie in agony, overcome by an unrestrainable lust for life. The sun meanders carelessly along the glistening tops of curving cathedrals, strolling along languidly before retiring for the night, replaced by the flickering silver of the awakening moon. The sea, awash in bits of blinking light, the strobes of Neptune's heaven, blinds me as I start eagerly towards the beach. I am in love with the Autumn, reborn in the lavender of the setting sun, and enraptured by romance in all of its forms. It is the essence of who I am, and this place reflects that ideal. A resounding epiphany, and all Im doing is waiting on a tailor. As always, Im stricken with an inconsolable


When I was younger, I often had visions of the man I wanted to be as I aged. I wanted to be strong, broad-shouldered, charismatic, and wealthy. I’d like to think that I’ve achieved much of that in some regard, but while to others I may have reached the summit of the mountaintop regarding those goals, from my own perspective there is still much, much work to be done. And that’s good. Who would want to go through life easily capturing perfection, as if it was a child’s plaything? What would be the purpose of anything? I want to fulfill my desires with nearly fatal perspicacity defining my efforts. Too often, the spoiled, sheltered, wispy and coddled are shorn to the bone by the elements of reality. I know this lesson all too well, because I was one of them, cast into the world by the uncaring hand of my own na├»ve ambitions. By the time I had discovered my mistake, it was too late, and I thank God for that daily. It’s better to struggle seemingly vainly daily, to flex unbendingly agai


Tonight my long, enforced solitude is ceasing. There's an excitement, crisp and boundless, riding the air recklessly, threatening to joyously infect me. For nearly 2 months Ive been calm and composed, a portrait of self-restraint. Each night Ive unwillingly been forced to leave you in the throes of that prison has reaked havoc on my masculine pride, my sanity, and my happiness. But after tonight, my wanderings will make the shift from frenzied escape to fruitful exploration. Youll be back in the saddle, and no nonsense, hearsay, or third party ineptitude will snatch you from my arms again. Ive spent many long, ultimately irrelevant hours steeping in my own self-aggrandizing contemplation. "What are your barracks like?" Abysmal. "Are you happy?" Hardly. "Are you strong enough to succeed and thrive given these maddening conditions?" Definitely. Your resolute, inherent resolve inspired me on many days that have until now gone unrecorded and unspoken. Of

Strength and Masculinity

I love chaos. The primal rabidity of it, an orchestra of fury, barely contained yet expertly wielded. To enter a bar and feel the atmosphere thick and tense with unexpressed anger and rowdy racuousness, eagerly anticipating some type of social error or ill-timed aggression to set it ablaze, like a match lit casually and carelessly inside a room brimming with flammable gas. To feel a set of eyes drilling into your back, then meeting that very gaze with lightning in your heart and whiskey on your breath. I smirk and call you out, and you respond in kind. We are both arrogant, brash, young and lively. My arms flex strongly and your chest pumps wildly. We take a twin step forward and the dance for masculine supremacy begins. We are home. The problem plaguing men most today, in my opinion, is that, as a collective whole, we lack a legal, acceptable, sanctioned way to express our natural rage. Women will not understand this, partly because it has never been in their genetic makeup and most

A Fruitful Struggle

On nights like this one, where my mind presents no ready made subject matter to pontificate upon, I find myself enjoying the mental stillness. My mind races a mile a second, never mind a minute, on a grindingly constant basis. Any reprieve from the internal cacophony of lyrics, song ideas, vivid, rich visual imagery, potently powerful memories, and general wordplay is a pause I would occasionally kill for. After the completion of the day's second workout, a sense of calm came over me, a peace unmatched by the effects of any liquor or pill. I felt deeply, almost unnoticeably, a faint stirring in my soul, in the trenches of my subconscious. In that serene, contemplative grove where innocence lives unsullied and true faith never dies, I heard the voice of God, telling me that everything would be alright, always, no matter the treachery I read from the terrain stretched out before me. As this message echoed through the mountains of my internal landscape I smiled, both inwardly and outw