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A Vow to Bleed

I need to rebuild. All of my effort, my pining, my longing? All impotent to change a thing. In spite of being the "creme de la creme", her words, not mine, Im the Anti-Christ, a demon with a silver tongue, able to seduce his way past any barricade and slither right into her comfort zone. My good works are wasted, fallen below her myopic field of vision. My crying and pleading, as undignified as it sounds, has fallen on ears deafened by narcissism and an incongruent view of reality. My passion, my persistence, my joy, and my work are meaningless in the face of the infantile impetuousness of her ignorance. But pity is for the weak, and Ive wasted too much time, too many exhaustible resources on this black hole. Who knew so much deep, powerful emotion could be spilled on something so shallow?

Unknowingly, I took my rationality, my sanity and the culmination of all of my experiences, stuffed them inside my heart, and proceeded to beat it into a brick wall. I felt I was doing the right thing, holding on to a silken thread, when in reality it was barbed wire imperceptibly fashioning itself into a hangman's noose. As is always the case when I wade too deeply into the pool of infatuation, I nearly drowned. As my lungs shriveled in the absence of fresh air to breathe, harsh reality reach down, gripped me by the nape of my neck, and ferociously jerked me out of the deep end. While I caught my breath, I was chastised for seeing the warning signs and not responding in time. For wasting my precious talents and accumulations on such a despicable creature. A pretty face and nubile body can captivate and enchant, but a horrible, horrific heart will always burn away the carefully constructed facade, clawing its way to the surface angrily, unable to stomach for another second the besmirching of its possessor. It will take this anger out on the one who tried to soothe it in the first place, using him as the catalyst for the pain and agony its owner refuses to face and defeat. On this occasion that catalyst was me, but what this sin didnt know is that I fight back.

One of my worst habits is that I can tend to be a people pleaser. If Im under command of someone, and I respect their authority, I will not rest until whatever theyve tasked me with is completed to the best of my ability, and often beyond that, nearing absurd perfection. The downside of all of this is that my personal health can be neglected. Ive always been quick to abnagate, helping others over myself. Isnt that what a Man is supposed to do? Isnt that the purpose of strength? However, truth has been revealed to me once again in a rather heavy handed way. People will use you, work you to near death, whether physically or emotionally, then cast you aside, a withered husk that has been drained of all sustenance, once you are no longer of any use to them. In the past I was like this, malevolent, manipulative and Machiavellian. While I will no longer be as petty as I once was, my ruthlessness, as of this moment, will make its grandiose return. There is no use in trying to heal the unworthy, no profit to be gained in helping the undeserving, when their ulterior motives have always been tinged with an underlying desire for your demise. I hereby place myself above all but my family and God, and refuse to neglect my needs any longer. If people are hurt, so be it. Ive learned these lessons the hard way, that the only one who really has your back and well being close to their heart in this dark world is you. Its not my place to be the caretaker of the slovenly who refuse to take charge of their own lives. Ill still help those that need it, always have, always will. But the moment I sense any aggression, resentment, or potential undermining, Ill crush them, completely and fully.

Self-improvement is a passion of mine, as well as a necessity in todays world. Without it, especially as a young man, youll achieve nothing, whither away and ultimately die, having existed unimpressively, drifting listlessly through a life defined by mediocrity. I want to struggle, I want to fight, I want to bleed. This is a public statement, expressing my vow and devotion towards bettering myself. No one will ever get in my way or get unneccessarily close again. My armor will never be pierced by the negativity, cynicism or nihilism of the world. From now on, no matter how exhausted I am from work, mentally spent from the events of the day, or emotionally crippled by the unerring viscissitudes of life, I will strive to better myself. 1000 words a day will be written on this blog, no exceptions. I will finish a book a week, as well as make my comprehensive fitness regimen even nore strenuous and Spartan. Ill master my mind, purging weakness and success-immolating thoughts from it with the terrible fire of unrelenting belief in myself. Nothing will topple me, ever again.

Anyone reading this may be thinking that Ive been hurt deeply. Truth is I have been, but it was only partially due to outside influences. Honestly, Im furious with myself for neglecting ME for so long. The loneliness Ive lived with since leaving home has gone unchallenged until now. Friends and women have been momentary salves, bandaids used to assuage the constant ache. Ill face this and master it, trapping and suffocating my juvenile need for constant approval. This is about self-mastery and a constant hunger for success. It has been denied for too long, and now my desire is bubbling to the surface. Ill excel, exceed and obtain. The world will adapt, or it wont. I dont give a fuck either way, Im taking whats mine.

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I cant sleep/
Because these damn bleat-/
Ing fat sheep/
Harass me/
With thoughts of home everlasting/
They ask me/
If I'm doubting/
Whether I'll be happi-/
Er back there or out be-/
Ing the bad dream/
I've been to half the peop-/
Le I've known, just last week/
I slapped, beat/
Down three/
Annoying ass teens/
For laughing/
As I watched a movie slammed, beat/
After a savage week/
At work, I found these/
Hands swing-/
Ing grabbing/
Necks to gash and ring/
While attacking/
Panicking/
I stand, shriek/
And pass weak/
Guards, they cant catch me/
Tragedy/
Befalls actually/
Facts and brief/
Glass meet-/
Ings with a pastor week-/
Ly leaves me/
Seeking/
A deity/
To help free me/
But they keep me/
In this cage weeping/
Scheming/
To beat these/
Screws/
Loose/
Unleashing/
Rage when they leash me/
Up like a dog, deep things/
Run through my head underneath these/
Veins running varicose/
My demons seem/
To always be very close/
Air and smoke/
Are an errant joke/
The mirror p…