Skip to main content

A Vow to Bleed

I need to rebuild. All of my effort, my pining, my longing? All impotent to change a thing. In spite of being the "creme de la creme", her words, not mine, Im the Anti-Christ, a demon with a silver tongue, able to seduce his way past any barricade and slither right into her comfort zone. My good works are wasted, fallen below her myopic field of vision. My crying and pleading, as undignified as it sounds, has fallen on ears deafened by narcissism and an incongruent view of reality. My passion, my persistence, my joy, and my work are meaningless in the face of the infantile impetuousness of her ignorance. But pity is for the weak, and Ive wasted too much time, too many exhaustible resources on this black hole. Who knew so much deep, powerful emotion could be spilled on something so shallow?

Unknowingly, I took my rationality, my sanity and the culmination of all of my experiences, stuffed them inside my heart, and proceeded to beat it into a brick wall. I felt I was doing the right thing, holding on to a silken thread, when in reality it was barbed wire imperceptibly fashioning itself into a hangman's noose. As is always the case when I wade too deeply into the pool of infatuation, I nearly drowned. As my lungs shriveled in the absence of fresh air to breathe, harsh reality reach down, gripped me by the nape of my neck, and ferociously jerked me out of the deep end. While I caught my breath, I was chastised for seeing the warning signs and not responding in time. For wasting my precious talents and accumulations on such a despicable creature. A pretty face and nubile body can captivate and enchant, but a horrible, horrific heart will always burn away the carefully constructed facade, clawing its way to the surface angrily, unable to stomach for another second the besmirching of its possessor. It will take this anger out on the one who tried to soothe it in the first place, using him as the catalyst for the pain and agony its owner refuses to face and defeat. On this occasion that catalyst was me, but what this sin didnt know is that I fight back.

One of my worst habits is that I can tend to be a people pleaser. If Im under command of someone, and I respect their authority, I will not rest until whatever theyve tasked me with is completed to the best of my ability, and often beyond that, nearing absurd perfection. The downside of all of this is that my personal health can be neglected. Ive always been quick to abnagate, helping others over myself. Isnt that what a Man is supposed to do? Isnt that the purpose of strength? However, truth has been revealed to me once again in a rather heavy handed way. People will use you, work you to near death, whether physically or emotionally, then cast you aside, a withered husk that has been drained of all sustenance, once you are no longer of any use to them. In the past I was like this, malevolent, manipulative and Machiavellian. While I will no longer be as petty as I once was, my ruthlessness, as of this moment, will make its grandiose return. There is no use in trying to heal the unworthy, no profit to be gained in helping the undeserving, when their ulterior motives have always been tinged with an underlying desire for your demise. I hereby place myself above all but my family and God, and refuse to neglect my needs any longer. If people are hurt, so be it. Ive learned these lessons the hard way, that the only one who really has your back and well being close to their heart in this dark world is you. Its not my place to be the caretaker of the slovenly who refuse to take charge of their own lives. Ill still help those that need it, always have, always will. But the moment I sense any aggression, resentment, or potential undermining, Ill crush them, completely and fully.

Self-improvement is a passion of mine, as well as a necessity in todays world. Without it, especially as a young man, youll achieve nothing, whither away and ultimately die, having existed unimpressively, drifting listlessly through a life defined by mediocrity. I want to struggle, I want to fight, I want to bleed. This is a public statement, expressing my vow and devotion towards bettering myself. No one will ever get in my way or get unneccessarily close again. My armor will never be pierced by the negativity, cynicism or nihilism of the world. From now on, no matter how exhausted I am from work, mentally spent from the events of the day, or emotionally crippled by the unerring viscissitudes of life, I will strive to better myself. 1000 words a day will be written on this blog, no exceptions. I will finish a book a week, as well as make my comprehensive fitness regimen even nore strenuous and Spartan. Ill master my mind, purging weakness and success-immolating thoughts from it with the terrible fire of unrelenting belief in myself. Nothing will topple me, ever again.

Anyone reading this may be thinking that Ive been hurt deeply. Truth is I have been, but it was only partially due to outside influences. Honestly, Im furious with myself for neglecting ME for so long. The loneliness Ive lived with since leaving home has gone unchallenged until now. Friends and women have been momentary salves, bandaids used to assuage the constant ache. Ill face this and master it, trapping and suffocating my juvenile need for constant approval. This is about self-mastery and a constant hunger for success. It has been denied for too long, and now my desire is bubbling to the surface. Ill excel, exceed and obtain. The world will adapt, or it wont. I dont give a fuck either way, Im taking whats mine.

Popular posts from this blog

Across The Seas

 I like watching you sleep/ She said, as I jostled and kneed/ My way on the mattress, stopping to think/ If you watch me, when do you actually fall into deep/ Rest yourself, it must be awful to be/ Kept up by my snoring, talking to me/ Not realizing that I've gone off the brink/ Of wakefulness and darkness until I'm startled and swing/ My arms up and cause you to spring/ Onto my chest laughing, harder than we've/ Ever done before, but you settle in and softly you sing/ I don't mind, because I love to listen to your heart as it beats/ The tears begin to pool and I cough and release/ Them in the present, because what once caused me to think/ I'd found Heaven on Earth is now a harsh memory/ But I bear it still, because though it carves and it cleaves/ And I lay there trembling, starting to bleed/ I know then I was alive for that part of the scene/ My recollection is sharp as the green/ Blades of grass in the lawn of our dreams/ In front of the house where we'd deco

A Drunkard's Lament

              Alcohol/ Is a battle fought/ With madness wrought/ From the sadness caught/ Between a man that calms/ His hands and thoughts/ With poison that wraps its claws/ Around his watch/ Makes time pass and stop/ Whenever he slams a shot/ I have forgot-/ -ten the chasms walked/ Barefoot and half distraught/ When I've drowned in bot-/ -tles of the brownest rot-/ -gut liquor, that the damned can flaunt/ Prancing, dropped/ By the rancid vom-/ -it that crams and falls/ From the mouth of all/ The manic lost/ Ones that choose to pad their traum-/ -as with Jack and vod-/ -ka, Schnapps and all-/ -the traps of karma/ Let's get plastered, crawl the/ Line, disasters wobbling/ Pants are starting/ To tear, we're panting, heart is/ Racing, death a tragic pardon/ From the crimes of a master wrong one/ The fortune amassed is startling/ Fan your pockets/ For the change that's always last for varmints/ Alas, unvarnished/ Regrets are magic, popping/ Up wherever you're lashed and

Rosary

Rosary The time has come for honesty/ I admit I suck at boxing these/ Fighters, they're lunging, robbing me/ Of a dream that kept me up and walking free/ When my life wasn't mine, I'd thrust and pocket these/ Experiences, my trust was not the thing/ Reciprocated but my love was stalking me/ All around the world, but the lottery/ Came and went and I was stuck with all the beat/ Tickets, so I burned them and the rush it halted weak-/ Minded busted fallen dreams/ I clutched my balls and screamed/ I'm not done, don't walk on me/ As the exposure seeped/ In my bones as sleep/ Came over me/ It became my rosary/ I was quoting reams/ Of poetry/ When on the lowest brink/ I chose to keep/ Fighting and swinging, yet closure seemed/ So far away, but I rode the steep/ Waves of my internal roving needs/ The crones and leech-/   -es began to notice me/ So I'd throw a weak/ Punch and found a skull/ In my hand to hold/ Powerful/ Strength that wasn't there before, I was astoun