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The Cold Approach Part 1: Find

In the previous entry in this series, which was the introduction really, I discussed the basic steps of the Cold Approach. I sought to condense it down to its most basic essence, giving an empirically tested system that could be used repeatedly and confidently to meet anyone. The main cause of social anxiety, my own included, is the fear of the unknown. As human beings, we crave structure. We enjoy chaos and embrace it, but only after we can apply some type of rationality and repetition to it. It feeds into our need to control our surroundings, although the great fallacy is that we can only ever really control ourselves. We fear heading out on a Friday night to hit the bars, clubs and open air venues around our cities, counties and countries, full of excitement and barely restrained enthusiasm, only to encounter the crippling roadblock of our tongues turning to ash in our mouths, and our minds all but abandoning us to the existential hell of mumbling and a lack of topics to discuss. Through experience, trial and error, and lots, and I mean fucking lots, of awkwardness, embarrassment, and social discomfort, I’ve attained a formidable level of social grace and Machiavellian manipulation. This process, which I take no credit for, is an amalgamation of the teachings of a variety of authors from a diverse mix of backgrounds, from sociology to pick up artistry, behavioral science and even bodybuilding. Now, take my hand and let’s submerge ourselves into this beautiful world. We’re bypassing the mediocre shallow end and diving headfirst into the roaring deep. To answer your question, yes, you will die. You’ll drown many times. Your anxiety will cause unbearable nausea followed by sickening shame at your inability to face your demons. You will be publicly humiliated for pushing the established narrative and daring to speak to a beautiful woman on the street, in the supermarket, or en route to work. Your heart will be laid bare, unadorned and naked, before the cold scalpel of meritorious performance. But, reincarnation exists in this world. Each time your spirit is filleted, it will grow stronger and burn brighter. You will become the man you were born to become, fulfilling all of your inherent potential, scoffing at the weakness you used to parade around proudly in your delusions. The thought of victimhood will enrage you, and you’ll turn in disgust from those that embrace their inadequacies as badges of honor, rather than realizing them for the unsightly tarnishes of character they are. It all depends on you, and whether you will allow your present self to be the martyr for your true self to claw his way to the surface of your existence. Let’s begin.

To refresh, the 5 steps of the Cold Approach are as follows:
1. Find
2. Approach
3. Beguile
4. Obtain
5. Exit

Each entry in the series will focus on one step, in order of course. So, following that example, the first post will cover step 1: Find. Although most would say that Beguile is the most important and crucial step in the whole process of the Cold Approach, I argue that Find is. Building attraction and comfort, a genuine connection, are of the utmost importance, and are the foundation of a strong, committed relationship, no matter its seriousness or duration. However, it remains my contention that no matter how off-putting or simply weird a person may be, everyone can be intriguing and charismatic if they’re occupying their own element. The problem comes that most people simply and frankly repulse others and drive them away before they can show the shining, gracious parts of their personalities. This is where Find comes in. When you locate someone you’d like to meet, whether they be a beautiful woman, attractive man, potential business contact or simply a potential friend, viewing them, and the whole encounter, in the correct light will often be the difference between elating success and disappointing failure. There is simply no way around it. Your approach could even be top notch, but if your mindset is wrong, if you’re not calibrated and vibing correctly congruent to the venue, or you’re unaware of the way someone perceives you, you will fail. This is why Find is the most important piece of the puzzle. Now, lets unravel its strings.

Be aware that any venue can be reworked into an untapped reservoir of social benefit. A bowling alley, a car dealership, a mall, you can, technically, meet people anywhere. However, certain places lend themselves to certain situations and types of people. You wouldn’t go to a mechanic’s shop pulsating  with the steady rhythm of ratcheting sockets and turning wrenches to meet a beautiful woman, youd go to a bookstore or a nightclub. If you make approaches that don’t fit the general vibe of the venue, it will come off forced and unnatural, turning you into a pariah and blacklisting any approaches you may make there for the rest of the day. All of this is really very intuitive. When you enter an area or place, order some tea, sit and take in your surroundings. Are the people excited and enthusiastic or reserved and stoic? Are there large groups loudly laughing and displaying open, inviting body language, or is every man there an island, serious and inhospitable with glowering faces? Tailor your burgeoning approach to your environment and you can do no wrong. Calibration is key.

The very thought of starting a conversation with a complete stranger with the intention of a beneficial ending is very nerve-wracking to the majority of people. Ive known guys that literally shake and spasm when pressed to speak to an attractive girl, even just to ask what time it was. The cause is your mindset. If you view your attempt at speaking to them as an intrusion on their privacy, then that’s exactly what it will be. A mental shift must be made. As I stated before, everybody is interesting and enticing. Everyone is an untapped source of entertainment and wisdom. Everybody has a inimitable talent and inspiring passion for something. The issue is that their gleaming diamonds are lost in the shuffle of conformity and fear. Our culture shuns and punishes with mockery and ostracizing those who don’t toe the line. As a result, we are all oppressed and forced by imaginary nonsense to suppress who we really are. Fuck that. Indulge me for a minute and think back to those times in your lives where you made a legitimate connection with someone. Not a shallow, surface level acquaintance that hasn’t even a notion of the real you, but a genuine, pure friendship with a kindred spirit. You felt relieved because this person saw the “weird” aspects of yourself that you keep locked away because of fear of ridicule. These are what make you you, and you need to let them breathe. This isn’t self-help bullshit saying that you’re perfect as you are, because you may not be. Showing yourself unabashedly doesn’t excuse a lack of basic hygiene and social ability. Those are uncompromising requirements, and put bluntly, if youre unwilling to put in the work on yourself and take this message as an excuse to blame everyone for “not accepting you”, you don’t deserve success, because youre unwilling dedicate even a modicum of effort to it. As Style said, be you, but the best version of you. There’s a reason women fawn over G-Eazy but eschew the stoner who also raps but still lives at home. Image and success. Live it.

Your mindset shift needs to happen immediately before you see any results. You have to believe that any person you speak to will leave the interaction genuinely better for talking to you. And why not? You’ve lived a life of experience, are well read and travelled, are witty and comedic, and can engage in extended conversation on a variety of topics. Or at least, you should be able to. Be charismatic, bold and charming. Read, workout and apply these lessons as you learn and integrate them into your lives. Anytime you feel doubt gnawing at you, remind yourself that, “I am an engaging, virtuosic conversationalist. People leave beaming after talking to me.”. All of this stems from the fact, not the belief, that youre worth it.

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