Skip to main content

Today I Let You Go

Im letting you go permanently tonight. The sideways glances, charged with potentiality, the flick of one eyebrow skyward, or even the sway that makes itself more prominent when Im around. These are all meaningless now baby. Youre a viper, lulling me intona false sense of security, only to strike with surprising lethality at a moment's notice. Then again, maybe it was my fault for not realizing it in the first place. Then again, who could blame me when your signals were so mixed they resembled a pile of leaves burst apart by a powerful gust of wind. Impossible to read preemptively, and pointless to try and rearrange after chaos has ensued.

I followed you around the world in a stupor. Fresh from the pain of a catastrophic breakup, you were the first girl I seen potential in. Witty, intelligent and precocious, you reignited the flames of hope in me, embers I thought to had died long ago. I had doused them with the rains of despair, but you gave them the breath of life with a refreshing purity. Hazel, feline eyes tracked every movement I made, only to glower at me when I acted on the invitation you had sent so clandestinely. As bold as I am, fortune never smiled on me completely when it came to this bastardization of a courtship. Instead, she cast occasional glances my way, smirking rather than beaming. I was the king of fools, the jester, and was ignorant the whole time.

Pining for you is unhealthy. I learned my lesson, or so I thought, after having my heart eviscerated at 18 by my high school sweetheart. In her defense however, I wasnt her gallant prince, I was the rebellious rogue whose heart she had never captured fully, a fact I flaunted shamelessly. Perhaps my pain was karmic, but it taught me a valuable lesson: We want what we cant have, and when we finally obtain the object of our desires, the one that has deluded snd taunted us, it seeks to be attractive. A tenet of seduction, and one Ive been on both sides of.

All of the evenings we spent closely huddled together, nearly whispering as our conversations grew deeper and increasingly intimate. Our sense of humor was shared, and our souls were intertwined. We spoke of family, love, growing, forbidden lust, and desires for the future. The tension was palpable and fertile, waiting for the right moment to explode and have our secret desires realized. There were many moments. I would blink and you would be beside me, your narrow, delicate shoulder brushing my arm. I would allow my fingers to linger a little longer than socially acceptable while touching the small of your back. Eyes would lock out of nowhere, stretching seconds into eternities, each moment its own era, telling of a burgeoning connection, a promise of love beyond infatuation, that could save me and damn you. That was the nail in our coffin really, the extenuating circumstances. I must have been a tad overzealous about my past, bordering on arrogant braggadaccio. You had an anchor tethering you to the world we had forsaken in the name of duty, and he was unyielding in staying in the forefront of your mind. Every moment where truth couldve been shared and spilled honestly was stifled and smothered by reticence stemming from a myriad of sources. I delayed gratification for too long, and I can do it longer.

I held on for so long because, although I enjoy my alone time, I hate being alone. I relish my privacy and prosper in my solitude, but the thought of being alienated fills me with foreboding and dread. I like to be free, and value my autonomy above all, but I like to know that if malaise strikes unexpectedly I have a social safety net to catch me, friends I can call on at a moments notice. After my last breakup, I realized I have a habit of rushing things, pursuing it all too aggressively. If I must face the world alone, Ill do so courageously and passionately. A hand to hold and warmth to embrace may lighten the load and ease the pain, but it also inhibits growth. Id rather wade into the abyss lonely and disoriented, clawing for a steady footing, then cling to a shallow representation of love solely for companionship. Ill let my pain wash over me, fading into the black and becoming one with the darkness, because at least afterwards the light and path towards a brighter future will be obvious and traceable. Keeping someone around to stave off loneliness will only serve to blind me and keep me sedated.


If Ive learned anything from whatever the hell this was, its that you have to know when to leave. People come into our lives for different reasons that can be difficult to ascertain in the moment, but in the harsh light of hindsight reality stands out in stark clarity. Maybe you taught me that I could care again, infusing fresh blood into a stillborn heart. You did teach me that I could feel at a time when blood ran cold and once fluid emotions turned to stone. For that Ill always be greatful, but things are too hazy to read. Whether Im seeing things that arent there or youre unaware of the effect you have on me is irrelevant. Ive given too much of my time to this to pretend that none of it was wasted. If Im meant to be a vagabond, so be it, fate decrees all. If Im cursed to sail listlessly for the forseeable future, adrift in the currents of unbridled emotion and unexpressed passion so be it. All of that anger can be put to judicious, beneficial use. No more navel-gazing, wishing for something that wont happen. Maybe Ive been obsessed, and it takes bottom to reveal the depths to which youve sunk. Lesson learned. Moving on is hard, but its easier when what youre missing never existed.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My Return To The Field

How often must I remain here? I must have died unexpectedly, and my wandering spirit, aura thick with malevolence and anguish, refuses to acknowledge my own death. Indeed, I have become a ghost, cursed to haunt diners, coffeeshops, bars and beaches, pen brandished and book unsheathed. I've grown so distant from others that Im more statue than Man, yet where this separation once stung painfully, it now soothes reassuringly. Lumped in with a generation of "men" with testosterone levels lower than a woman's would be 30 years ago, and forced to make due with "women" that proudly proclaim themselves sluts and will actually attempt to fistfight men if they are ignored and eschewed, as they should be, my sentiment is clear. I want no part of this generation. It's filthy and degraded.

You could say I'm living a daydream right now, a fantasy granted the breath of life by divine providence. How many shifts at work have I frittered away contemplating the perf…

Beacon Of Light In The Darkness

Beacon Of Light In The Darkness




For too long I've harbored the one-sided shadows of former relationships. Torturous, rapid bombardments of perceived slights and ridiculous thought crimes. I've stifled my own opinions on everything from politics to religion, the two classic hot button issues, paragons of ostracization and dogmatic pollution.

The ghosts of the past are insidious and seductive, causing me to view them through rose-colored glasses for a formerly indeterminate amount of time. Yet now, in the absence of that old, familiar love, the grip of nostalgic fantasy has been loosened as my naivete is strangled by harsh reality.

Gasping for breath, it attacks me with a battalion of its best memories, a company of incomparable moments, countless divisions of dreams rendered dead by inaction and hatred. In the end, we all die alone. In those final, fleeting hours, we'll be surrounded by a devoted, compassionate family if were lucky, holding and pumping our aching, callouse…

Six And Four

Six And Four


Today marks 6 years since I began my enlistment, and coincidentally, had I not extended, I would be free today.

As a younger man, when the home and world I knew were unmolested by the ravages of change and the life I left behind was still relatively intact, if you had offered me a path out of the military, I would've seized it feverishly and greedily, determined to free myself from what I perceived as stifling bondage.

Now, staring down the barrel of 27, I fear gaining that complete autonomy back. I feel institutionalized in a backwards, ironic way, more like a convict on the precipice of parole than a Sailor a short time from mustering out of service.

I've gained skills and credentials that render me employable nearly anywhere, and have cultivated a healthy collection of contacts that span not only several states, but countries on either side of the world's oceans.

I've gained 40 pounds of muscle since I initially left home, and saved a large portion of …