Skip to main content

Remembrance

This corpse is bloated/
Ive known the growth that/
Ive taken on is more than Id hoped when/
Id left home, forlorn and torn with/
My heart in too many places/
Erase this/
Past and restore my home when/
I returned alive/
Just to find/
The past had died/
And Id/
Be scorned and so pissed/
A decision born in moments/
When I could barely form the focus/
To make a decision/
I dismissed it/
Her love was eaten in a swarm of locusts/
I swore Id hold it/
My heart before the war had froze it/
Ive poured this old shit/
Out of my soul/
Back in control/
But soulless/
And now Im so pissed/
My love Ive thrown it/
Out but closure/
Wont come cause this blowing/
Wind breeze/
Skinning me/
Literally/
Leers at me/
Fucker you chose this/
Im like a sophist/
Nothing exists but me so I know that/
If I keep moving/
And see the sewing/
Of something new then I can own it/

A drifting freak/
Listlessly/
Trying to fill the void you had to dig in me/
Despicably/
Youre ripping these/
Attempts up as I sit up weak/
Religiously/
I kill the dreams/
Like propoganda/
A stalking phantom/
Lost and dragging/
Me along unwillingly/
I snip the strings/
In my heart connecting to me to all your/
Critiques of what my faults were/
I walk forward/
And destroy your stalwart/
Lost form/
Cut loose off shore/
And as our vessel finally sinks/
I cry and blink/
Away the tears because Ill always think/
Of your time with me/
As blindingly/
Bright to me/
Im flying free/
Finally/
No longer trifling/
Over needless crimes that we/
Accused each other of frighteningly/
But if I can see/
The horizon then I can breathe/
Silently/
My air no longer labored/
By the encumbering anger/
Of our love, an infant strangled/
In its manger/
And later/
When the pain has/
Ebbed and abated/
Ill be waiting/
For the day that/
This hatred/
Will appear again so I can face it/

So youve come to visit me in my new life/
I knew Id/
Make this acquaintance again, please, come through my/
Improved sights/
So I can see how youve grown too/
I know you/
Wonder about me sometimes, cause both shown who/
We really our in our absence/
And the fact is/
What happened/
Wasnt as tragic/
As we thought it was when it captured/
You in renewal/
And me in the loop of/
Depression/
Apprehension/
Regression/
Then acceptance/
Im refrshed and/
Weve proven/
That the youth that/
We dedicated to each other was useful/
The truth is/
Part of me will always long for our Suisun/
The Gino that you knew/
Is so far removed from/
The angsty kid/
You saved with crisp/
Love in the swoop of/
Your purity/
I furiously/
Had to pursue you/
We moved through/
Those stages with grace as I seduced you/
But you do/
Things that Im still not used to/
Your wind blew through/
My heart and right in you moved/
And who knew/
If the path Id choose threw/
You into hysterics/
But youd grin and bear it/
Even if its tearing/
Right through you/
Just like that I was gone too soon/

But if I have perfect hindsight/
Then I might/
Recite my/
Lessons learned/
I bled and worked/
Hard for these, so fuck you if you find my/
Revelations harsh/
The change I brought/
To myself defines my/
Personality/
The worst is out of me/
So be happy we/
Both missed out on a wild ride/
Because in the solitude/
I fought the truth/
For so long that it stopped and drew/
Its gun and said no more talking shrew/
Hit me and poured knowledge through/
My mottled bruised/
Pride and walked me through/
How strong I am/
Ive slaughtered stress/
At uncharted depths/
While under constant view/
The coddled mess/
I was was dropped and kept/
Me on the deck/
So I could dodge the nonsense noose/
Cause when you carry the/
Barriers/
Out at sea on a carrier/
You get wearier/
When the ships rocking, its scarier/
Then anything youve seen, but not if you/
Go out in the middle of the night and ask why isnt the water blue/
As suicide/
Runs through your mind/
And you remind/
Yourself that youre the pilot groomed/
For survival/
You thrive on/
The nights song/
And rely on you/
Solely/
You only/
Record these/
Thoughts if theyre positive, cause you alone are defining you/
So fuck negativity/
Theres a will in me/
That fears no tyranny/
Emotional or near to me/
Because its not real to me/
Ill conquer/
As long as/
I never falter/
In my resolve and prosper/
I havent forgot her/
So I thank you/
For making me face you/
Face truth/
Head on and reclaim youth/
It takes two/
To break doom/
Down, Ive see the worst in me/
And adversity/
I crave it/
I tame it/
So search for me/

Popular posts from this blog

My Story Of Sexual Abuse

For J. Find peace.



The first time it happened was around the end of 1999. My Mom and my Aunt were busy prepping everything for the holidays, and my older cousin begged to babysit me. Looking back, though there was nothing that indicated what he would do to me, I now find it odd that he showed so much extra attention towards me. In the days prior, when all of the kids played whatever trivial games we dreamed up, he would go out of his way to ruin my fun. I remember one instance where we were playing Heads Up 7-Up or something similar, and though my head was down, he stopped the game and said that I was peeking at the other players, something banned by the rules. "No I didnt!", I protested. "Yeah you did, I seen you!", he'd reply mockingly. My two front teeth stuck out prominently due to a mix of bad genetics and awkward dental work, and I told one of my other cousins, in jest, that I'd gladly trade my teeth for hers. We laughed, until I heard him behind us.…

The Desert

The Desert



Dry air in a normally humid climate is not conducive to a strong immune system. The shock is sudden and violent on an unseen level, I'm sure.

I never thought I'd suffer from stifling congestion and repetitious fits of coughing while stationed in Hawaii, but I was proven wrong recently.

As I pen this, my throat, though healed and no longer reacting in an incendiary manner when forced to swallow, is as arid and barren as the Mojave.

My chest is harboring a veritable barricade of mucus, and each pill I pop, in hues of rose red, ocean blue and grass green, chip away at bricks of the stubborn, phlegmatic stowaways.

My nose is on the brink of suicide, and breathing in coats each gust of air with a Welcome Aboard package of sandpaper and gravel.

In short, I'm fucked.

Yesterday I spent half the evening limping around wincing, my side cramped by an invisible knife, present and piercing, jostling with each aching step.

Save for a few meandering sets and reps performed to…

Death Row

Death Row




I cant sleep/
Because these damn bleat-/
Ing fat sheep/
Harass me/
With thoughts of home everlasting/
They ask me/
If I'm doubting/
Whether I'll be happi-/
Er back there or out be-/
Ing the bad dream/
I've been to half the peop-/
Le I've known, just last week/
I slapped, beat/
Down three/
Annoying ass teens/
For laughing/
As I watched a movie slammed, beat/
After a savage week/
At work, I found these/
Hands swing-/
Ing grabbing/
Necks to gash and ring/
While attacking/
Panicking/
I stand, shriek/
And pass weak/
Guards, they cant catch me/
Tragedy/
Befalls actually/
Facts and brief/
Glass meet-/
Ings with a pastor week-/
Ly leaves me/
Seeking/
A deity/
To help free me/
But they keep me/
In this cage weeping/
Scheming/
To beat these/
Screws/
Loose/
Unleashing/
Rage when they leash me/
Up like a dog, deep things/
Run through my head underneath these/
Veins running varicose/
My demons seem/
To always be very close/
Air and smoke/
Are an errant joke/
The mirror p…