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Cherry

Cherry




This tea's cold/
And it's peaceful/
I dont believe you'll/
Call back for a sequel/
To this evil/
I know I didnt treat you/
Right, never beat you/
But the creep you/
See when we lock eyes defeats truth/
Please dull/
Those blades glinting/
In your eyes, insane shifting/
From today's misery/
To the pain drifting/
In and out, wait, hear me/
Talk, inane simping/
We no longer play, gripping/
Each other's hearts with the same feeling/
I'm dazed, hitting/
The wall, pain dripping/
From my knuckles/
They're sliced, busted/
And now I'm awake, whimpering/
Cause my cut is/
Deeper than ice lumbering/
Inside ovens/
As it tries covering/
Itself with spices, buzzard and/
Rice, custard and/
A live blubbering/
Group of mice succumbing as/
They're time's running at/
Them with fried stuffing, cap-/
Sized, punching back/
At the slight tundra that/
It still is, try coming at/
Me, I'm an assassin/
Rush fast with/
Some frantic/
Pace you'd never lunge at …

My Story Of Sexual Abuse

For J. Find peace.



The first time it happened was around the end of 1999. My Mom and my Aunt were busy prepping everything for the holidays, and my older cousin begged to babysit me. Looking back, though there was nothing that indicated what he would do to me, I now find it odd that he showed so much extra attention towards me. In the days prior, when all of the kids played whatever trivial games we dreamed up, he would go out of his way to ruin my fun. I remember one instance where we were playing Heads Up 7-Up or something similar, and though my head was down, he stopped the game and said that I was peeking at the other players, something banned by the rules. "No I didnt!", I protested. "Yeah you did, I seen you!", he'd reply mockingly. My two front teeth stuck out prominently due to a mix of bad genetics and awkward dental work, and I told one of my other cousins, in jest, that I'd gladly trade my teeth for hers. We laughed, until I heard him behind us.…

The Trek

The Trek



Manhood, I used to believe, was lonely, an isolated trek through the rough edges of an uncaring, dispassionate world.

Yet, as I've told my cohorts, I've realized that all of this pain is a blessing, a godsend.

It is immolation, reincarnation of the highest order, a ruthless shedding of dead skin and putrid flesh, plucking shriveled feathers that have waned in their vitality and pallor.

Those I've lost, and will lose as my journey towards the realization of my highest self continues, were weak and fated to die, unworthy of walking beside me through the unforgiving wastes of this world.

Those that have found me, and seek me, are my chosen tribe, bound by ideology and adherence to personal perfection, physically, mentally, spiritually and temporally.

Blood has proven to congeal in the veins of the blinded, while sweat has formed bonds of love and devotion, whether captured by a patch on the back of a kutte or gi's stained with the collective grime and effort bla…

On The Waterfront

On The Waterfront



As I stalk the night, sleep deprived and energetic, the potent cocktail of natural fatigue and unnatural caffeine coursing through my beleaguered veins, I'm comforted by a familiar sight.

A ship, a destroyer to be exact, though I care too little to learn her name, is docked at the pier to my 5 o'clock as I pen this.

In the head at the laundromat I'm using, a single word, slave, was etched into the ancient, decaying wall in a haphazard fashion reminiscent of Neanderthal cave scrawlings.

I smiled as I beheld it, because the truth it professes is formidable and sobering, a reality to every Sailor that's ever worn our hallowed uniform.

Port and Starboard watch, Fives and Dimes, 18's and 6's, and entire days and nights spent awake, zombified and laborious, have reaked their chaotic havoc on my resilient body.

Though that may sound arrogant, and perhaps it is, it's a well earned distinction, purchased in profusely falling sweat, the crimson blo…

Tropics

Tropics




I long for this/
Anonymous/
Social walking mist/
I used to partner with/
Every cautionless/
Night I'd go out, starting with/
A shot that just/
Led to a constant fifth/
Of Jack in my hands, often with/
Vodka mixed/
With pop or simp-/
Le juice, it calmed but it/
Was ponderous/
Before Tropics slit/
It's own throat I'd park in it/
A constant hit/
In the corner, my card charging with/
Drinks, smart and fit/
But pardon miss/
If I vomit in/
The awful bin/
By where you thought to sit/
I'm awful when/
I drink, an ominous/
Posture that/
I take before slaughtering/
Anyone bothering/
Me preposterously/
Its obvious/
To me that cautiousness/
Is something that needs to be common when/
You're arguing/
But I disappear/
When this unclear/
Set of messages is shit, austere/
Risk my near/
Death experiences on shifting gears/
The limbs I shear/
On the fights picked right here/
Missed lightyears/
Clipped eyes, tears/
Blips like mirrors/
On my radar/
To stay far/
Away all/
The ti…

Garden

Garden




It's heavenly/
When you're next to me/
Especially/
When we're on, definitely/
The best of these/
Days on island, evergreen/
Grass while the other side is feathery/
Pillows and splendidly/
Picked pleasantries/
But incredibly/
It's not always perfect, instead of these/
Moments tempting me/
To make love to you I'm heading to leave/
Through the door, potentially/
Spelling the/
End of these/
Reveries/
Our memories/
Are fresh and clean/
When flesh would meet/
But still, I'm feeling upset and bleak/
I dread your absence/
It leaves me dead, thrashing/
Around spent, fashioned/
From lead, massive/
Bent amounts of/
Blended sadness/
And left handed/
To the depths of madness/
I kept asking/
What was wrong and you wrestled out of/
My arms to then panic/
And with bated breath ban me/
From what had been traction/
I guess averages/
Pan out and I spent handsomely/
And lent lavishly/
To everyone but myself, not a cent down to me/
Pens, pads and ink/
Are my bed pals this e…

Awakened

Awakened





I'm a wanderer/
An uncommon bird/
Flying, on the verge/
Of a cosmic turn/
Of events, stop the purge/
Of racing noise in your head, wasps interred/
Until it's a nest of thoughts and cursed/
Awful words/
The tropics cured/
Me of what I'd lost at first/
But then it sought to hurt/
Me with every dot I merged/
Together/
On the treasure/
Map, an awesome surge/
Of docile verbs/
Enacting a hostile pers-/
On to do his jarring worst/
The harvest churned/
In me the honest urge/
To calmly burn/
The walls I serve/
These thralls and currs/
Despondent burd-/
Ens on me/
Alarming/
Me often, turn-/
Ing to the parts of her/
That start me sure/
On a pardon, cert-/
Ain path to karmic pur-/
Ity, hurriedly/
I charge, I burst/
Onto the scene with a brawl observed/
In my head, raw and terse/
Call alerts/
Because I'm going to knock the world/
Out from under you/
Make way because I'm coming through/
Rushing truth/
To the surface/
In earnest/
Like I love to do/
Trusting fools/
Was h…

Death Row

Death Row




I cant sleep/
Because these damn bleat-/
Ing fat sheep/
Harass me/
With thoughts of home everlasting/
They ask me/
If I'm doubting/
Whether I'll be happi-/
Er back there or out be-/
Ing the bad dream/
I've been to half the peop-/
Le I've known, just last week/
I slapped, beat/
Down three/
Annoying ass teens/
For laughing/
As I watched a movie slammed, beat/
After a savage week/
At work, I found these/
Hands swing-/
Ing grabbing/
Necks to gash and ring/
While attacking/
Panicking/
I stand, shriek/
And pass weak/
Guards, they cant catch me/
Tragedy/
Befalls actually/
Facts and brief/
Glass meet-/
Ings with a pastor week-/
Ly leaves me/
Seeking/
A deity/
To help free me/
But they keep me/
In this cage weeping/
Scheming/
To beat these/
Screws/
Loose/
Unleashing/
Rage when they leash me/
Up like a dog, deep things/
Run through my head underneath these/
Veins running varicose/
My demons seem/
To always be very close/
Air and smoke/
Are an errant joke/
The mirror p…

Morning Like A Movie Scene

Morning Like A Movie Scene



Blankets crinkle/
We lay and dream with/
Favor twinkling/
Over us, let's remain asleep and/
Escape our demons/
With faith, relief and/
Graze, Elysium/
Welcomes us, two shades of people/
On a painter's easel/
Flame and meaning/
Claim and keep us/
You face me eager/
To make believe that/
The rage that keeps me/
Chained and beaten/
Wont leave me slain, defeated/
But God will one day release me/
Praying meekly/
To raise the weakened/
Parts of me as I'm prostrate and weeping/
Rake the heathens/
In me over coals, baked and heated/
Charades and leaflets/
Covering us, promenades and evenings/
My shame, my secrets/
My disgraces, evils/
You take them, treat me/
And make me leap in/
To the deep end, you praise me sweetly/
And to be okay, I need these/
Nocturnal/
Drops furnished/
With all your fix-/
Ings and calm certain-/
Ty, it stops vermin/
In me, locks hurt in/
Its box, worthless/
And I'm caught, working/
On me, I walk, versus/
The dark churning/
In…

Line Of Scrimmage

Line Of Scrimmage





Even after/
The greener pastures/
Have met me, I'm not serene or happy/
But beat and captured/
I need to have a/
Conversation, but not with the people that the/
Voices say to meet and answer/
But with myself, my deceitful candor/
Is a plague that defeats and slanders/
My name, this creature's laughter/
Seems to trample/
Over me, echoes, my ears ringing, battered/
I keep dismantling/
The scenes and tragic/
Moments from the deepest caverns/
In my head, believe me, damn your/
Evil sadness/
And leap with ravaged/
Spirits out of its reach and land firm/
In solid truth/
Not the two/
Things that walk with you/
In stolid youth/
I've got to prove/
To myself the awful boon/
That I'm ignoring/
To conform in/
This oddly sewn/
Distraught removed/
Tarnished room/
Carnage grew/
In me, I'm charred and groomed/
Charged, entombed/
By what my thoughts exhume/
Every part of new/
Days, I'm parched and screwed/
My heart is soon/
To give out/
With droughts/
From th…

Random Scribblings

Random Scribblings



Profile/
Know I'm just/
A ghost riding/
The rails with smoke behind him/
A slow vial/
Of whiskey chokes, smiles/
At me, my nose finds a/
Trail, I'm close, driving/
At it, exposed eyes in/
Every direction, hope blinding/
Me, cloaked iris/
I suppose rising/
Up is a sewn lining/
In a black cloud/
Ash shroud/
For this lone writer/
Bone dry and/
Prose flies from/
My pen/
And I'm spent/
Right then/
I'm left/
To writhe tense/
And fight bent/
Climb trends/
And slice them/
Into a fine mess/
Life's stress/
Is overwhelming/
Suppose I'm melting/
In the clothes Im wearing/
Dont extend me/
Any hands if you're closing, pelting/
Me with fists, you throw them endless/
I'm so defenseless/
Broken, pensive/
Toast, distressed but/
Chosen, reckoned/
Alone and destined/
To own my legend/
Soaked and rendered/
A boasting member/
Of society/
It frightens me/
But your kindness brings/
The light in me/
Out surprisingly/
I can be/
The righteous dream/
You climb …

Bloom

Bloom



My dearest secret/
I fear I'll keep it/
Here or even/
As I near the evening/
You're clearly creeping/
Into my heart, sheer and cleanly/
I feel the stinging/
Of Cupid's arrows spearing deeply/
My spirit's singing/
It cheers and reaches/
For the heavens we/
Relentlessly/
Sought to mirror in Eden/
On Earth/
Then stop your/
Endearing dreamy/
Weary slinking/
Off to nights of bleary twinkling/
Eyes my dear I'm shrinking/
In your light its beautiful/
You see the/
Good in me I'm too beat to/
View regal/
The fury of/
Losing the/
Soothing of/
Prudent love/
Is unusual/
To me, clueing rushed/
Thoughts that moving a-/
Way from you is being unglued from gold/
And truth be told/
You're the shimmer in my armor/
The glimmer in my heart for/
The sinner and the martyr/
That listen for our God's words/
The pistol on my farthest/
Hip for when I'm charging/
Into battle/
To dismantle/
The symptoms of my karma/
You whisper and I follow/
Even when crippled or distrau…

Goldenrod

Goldenrod



Come embrace me/
I'm done explaining/
Myself to a bunch of pages/
Punching angry/
At a rusty hanging/
Bag, I'd rather run and face these/
Emotions with a hug and bravery/
Some would say these/
Feelings are dumb and angsty/
That I'm young and shaded/
Sheltered from the crazy/
Reality of the wasting/
Love you gave me/
I'm stumbling baby/
Crumbling, wavering/
Unsettled by the dust that's caking/
Over my heart, trust is breaking/
This isnt lust thats taking/
Over, it's the crush I've tasted/
Its deep, bundled hasty/
Together, it's got me wondering, pacing/
Back and forth/
Back to your/
Arms, laughter pours/
Smacking torn/
Promises around, I'm after more/
Like we said, the tragic force/
That powers storms/
Like this is magic, sure/
But it has a bored/
Nature, jumping at the core/
At enrapture for/
Someone new, disaster forms/
As we're dancing towards/
A coward's shore/
From the ocean we've swam adorned/
In the tattered worn/
Remnan…

Punching Through Obscurity

Punching Through Obscurity



My eyelids are sagging like a 90's throwback, and my countenance is just as slack.

Alice In Chains is serenading me through the speakers, Layne Staley switching on a dime between tortured, soulful crooning and agonizing, powerful wailing revitalizes me, beckoning me to escape this fatigued somnambulance.

I've been pushing myself through punishing 2 a day boxing workouts lately.

They both indulge my fistic passions as well as fortify my drunkenness on what some would deem a pipe dream.

Lately, I've had designs on competing as an amateur, and the admission of this has drawn hesitant encouragement tempered with well meaning caution at best, and outright ridicule at worst.

I've been told I'm too old, not skilled enough, lack experience, and have my head lodged firmly in the stratosphere.

The thing is, I know these condescensions to be factual.

I wish I would've invested far more effort in my adolescence.

When my coach stayed late to trai…

More Drunken Rambling About My Journey In Physical Culture

More Drunken Rambling About My Journey In Physical Culture





The act of training with limited means, both physically and nutritionally, has always fascinated me.

During the 1940's, men like John Grimek, Clancy Ross, Steve Reeves and George Eifermann made astonishing gains during wartime, both stateside and overseas, on relatively minuscule diets, if not calorically than restoratively.

John Grimek lived for awhile on bread and coffee during The Great Depression, while Steve Reeves improvised on leg day by squatting for hundreds of reps with a 100 pound barbell, the sole equipment available to him during World War 2.

Perhaps this explains my oft ridiculed and mocked affinity for the routines of convicts.

At sea, I feasted on volumes that inadvertently extolled the apparent virtues of incarceration for bodybuilding purposes because they both inspired and sustained me through lengthy maritime separations from civilization.

In Jailhouse Strong by Adam Benshea and Josh Bryant, a guard in…

804

804




Morality is a guide for a steady, law abiding life.

The question becomes after a certain point, exactly what laws am I heeding?

Personally, I pay scarce attention to the laws of Man.

Throughout my career and in my adolescence, I've witnessed "superiors" escape consequences for actions that my peers or subordinates wouldve been crucified for solely because of their position or rank.

I firmly believe that authority, when based on bureaucracy rather than true supremacy, physical or mental, is irrelevant, and immediately hard to swallow.

So when those supposed leaders and lords openly and publicly flaunt their immunity to the rules and regulations that you're supposedly enslaved by, a coup is in definite order.

My greatest mentors have been those men and women that never demanded respect, simply because it was expected and willingly given by merely standing in their presence.

They were usually jaded and experienced, but never bitter; such internal condescension was …

A Pressing Question

A Pressing Question





Tonight marked my return to the grappling arena.

As expected, my BJJ skills, though rusty and unrefined, allowed me to weather the chaotic storm of facing the untrained fighter.

The beautiful thing about technique in any art is that it provides a precise weapon, an accuracy that focuses and guides your raw, bludgeoning strength.

The downside, however, is that, unless you train enough to truly engrain the skill in your muscles, your mind will always remain conscious of your performance on some level.

This is natural and expected in the first few weeks or months of mastering a movement.

However, if you train infrequently, like Ive been forced to by circumstance regarding BJJ, your progress is stagnated by a previously helpful natural process.

Placed into perspective, my opponent tonight was a 21 year old, 210 pound ox.

He'd had no prior training, and was hardly a threat, but his unremarkable martial education led to an unpredictable bout.

In class, things are sl…

I Miss My Uniform

I Miss My Uniform



Hawaii, aside from where I'm employed, is gorgeous.

I'll admit that my sartorial leanings, however, have fallen by the wayside, due to both circumstance and laziness.

I struggle valiantly against the omniscient tropical breeze, clad in Levi's and cowboy boots.

During the relatively calmer winter and autumn months I'd don a beanie or black denim trucker jacket.

These would only last a few hours however, as the temperature would invariably rise and I'd once again be forced to strip by the overbearing warmth.

It hums and errs continuously in the background like an efficient A/C unit, prodding and poking, reminding me that the lowest the thermometer will ever drop is to the iconic 75, with the sun an assumed afterthought.

As my time draws ever thinner here, I've allowed my mind the privilege and indulgence of fantasizing about the battlegear Ill once again be garbed in.

There are many benefits to living where others vacation, but one of them is c…